You know what, I'm over it.
I think now that I've acknowledged my mentality as completely flawed, it's about time I do something about it.
I'd just like to start by saying that in no way am I pitying myself, or blaming others for the way I am today. I am however aware of the fact that the way I was raised and some of the traumatic events that have occurred throughout my life have most definitely affected me in negative ways. Regardless, wallowing in self-pity or shifting the blame isn't going to do anything for me at this stage. I hope through sharing my thoughts, I can continue on my journey to keep learning and keep growing.
Now that's out of the way, let's go back in time! Not many people know this, but in high school I actually wanted to be a surgeon! For four years too! Whenever people would ask me why, I would tell them it was because I wanted to make a difference in people's lives, that I wanted to help people in whatever way I could. Honestly I never thought about how cool it would be to say 'I'm a medicine student!' or 'I'm a doctor!', I just felt happy thinking that because of me, someone, someday, could potentially live a better life because of me.
In year ten, I told my English teacher this, and what she responded with completely destroyed my self esteem and lead to me giving up on myself for the remainder of my high school life. She told me that it was good to have goals, but that I needed to make mine more realistic. It didn't stop there though. To top it all off, she then proceeded to gather information on universities and colleges that offered paramedic courses and went through different options with me, as she believed they were more within my capabilities. Paramedics are people I have an immense amount of respect for, don't get me wrong. But to be told to give up on my career goal at the time and settle for something easier because my teacher thought I wasn't good enough was devastating for me. I can't believe I allowed her rubbish and irrelevant opinion to dictate how I was going to live the rest of my life.
This same mentality is why I delayed pursuing a career in aviation until 2015.
In first year university, I made friends with another accounting student who did almost as well as I did in the subject. Come to think of it now, I realise he most likely only befriended me after realising the accounting faculty hired me after I did well in the subject. Same thing happened in Chinese 2, once people found out I came first in the entire Chinese 1 course, everyone wanted to sit next to me during exams. One person even had the nerve to turn around mid-exam, and ask to copy my answers. Fuck you all.
Anyway, I'm going off topic. Back to the accounting guy. I remember telling him about how I aspired to someday obtain a pilot's licence, and he just scoffed at me. Prior to this, I had already brushed off the possibility of ever becoming a commercial pilot because of the completely ridiculous mentality many (it's improving though) people have regarding females in the aviation industry - that is 'being a pilot is a man's job'.
Eventually, I realised my passion for aviation wasn't just something I wanted to pursue as a hobby, but as a career. A few people supported me, but I constantly received negativity from other people like 'don't you have to be smart to be a pilot?' and 'no offence but I wouldn't trust you flying me around'. It wasn't even just about becoming a pilot, people would try to bring me down no matter what I did. Upon embarking on my journey to becoming a flight attendant, I copped a whole lot of disrespectful bullshit from people from 'oh flight attendants just serve you coffee and tea don't they, why would you want to do that for the rest of your life' to 'you deferred university to do something anybody can do?'. What used to irk me the most though, was when people (especially my mum) would say things like, 'why don't you become a doctor, a lawyer, someone successful, why are you wasting your potential?'
I may never even become a commercial pilot, but I'm not going to give up. My passion for the airline industry will never die, and I will do whatever it takes to fulfil my dreams, whether I ever end up in the flight deck or not!
I keep going off on slight tangents ahh okay SO now I want to draw attention to the title of this post, a quote I found online today.
“If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.”
I've learnt quite a lot of about myself this year. Which reminds me, remember when everyone gave shit about Kylie Jenner for saying 2016 would be the year of realising things? Not gonna lie, she was pretty fucking on point with her predictions despite how stupid that interview sounded hahaha. Anyway I don't want to list all my positive traits because I'll just feel like I'm writing a cover letter to someone.. So in short, I think I've become a great person! I'm one of the most resilient, selfless, and kind-hearted people I know (if you're going to say this is narcissistic shut up ok I'm allowed to think good things about myself) and I pride myself in this. It's also however, what makes me vulnerable and an easy target to be mistreated and manipulated. I'm too hopeful for my own good.
I was stuck in the mindset that 'one day I'll be appreciated!!' and it's lead to me constantly been taken advantage of, sometimes without even realising it. My response to people mistreating me has been totally wrong, like I always thought that maybe, if I keep being kind, loving, helpful, useful, generous, sick, in hospital, even dead - THEN I'll be appreciated. No. I don't need validation from others. Through constantly trying make people happy and striving to be deemed good enough, I've allowed myself to stay silent whilst being hurt over and over again, ultimately rendering myself completely powerless.. I've realised now that what others believe are merely their own perceptions, not reality. If somebody can't respect and cherish me for who I am, that doesn't at all decrease my value as a person.
This is a huge step for me, and today I feel I achieved something very important. At the end of the day, I will still continue to strive to make others happy, as I genuinely enjoy doing so. It makes me feel good knowing I'm able to make a difference in other people's lives, whether it be a small favour, or a big gesture.
I still have so many issues I need to conquer, and it'll take time. But I'm really glad I mustered up the courage to make this post. It's really helped clear my mind.
I hope everyone is well, and goodnight.
(Would tell you guys to ask.fm me if you need someone to talk to but I think I've said that enough times LOL)
