>:?

People are interesting, love is interesting

Love is stupid.

You know what else is stupid though?

Thinking love is stupid.

It's somewhat comforting claiming something is stupid when really we're just scared of it hey?

I don't think it's love we're scared of, but more the implications and consequences of such strong emotions.. Like how we're not actually scared of the dark, but the uncertainty and potential danger it represents. We're not scared of death itself, but more the notion of no longer existing, and the fact that no matter how much hope or fear we instil in ourselves, whether through religion or nihilism, we aren't special at all, we're merely all a part of a process in which we ultimately serve little to no significance..

Love is linked with fear I guess, but fear of what? Loss? Vulnerability? Inevitable pain? To protect ourselves, we build walls.

In a sense love is comparable to war, destruction, chaos, I mean for example take post-war Germany. They literally put a literal wall up to separate each other from their conflicting ideologies. Then again, I'm not too well versed in modern history so I'm sure there was much more to it.. Same with China though. The now 'great' wall of China wasn't built for the same purpose it now serves. It's kind of interesting how now that it's all over, in both settings, the respective nations have utilised what was once such a dark memory as something somewhat beneficial. That's all literal though, but the premise is still the same I guess.

Letting down our walls means accepting and embracing whatever changes, both good and bad, lie ahead of us.

Love is stupid because we want it to be. We want everything to go our way. We don't like being wrong. Sometimes we're proven wrong though, and makes us question everything we once believed in. So we call it stupid. Or we give in. We think we're so superior and advanced in every way we can't stand to feel such pain. I don't know. Either way, nobody likes to live in fear, uncertainty, nobody wants to be on one side of post-war Germany with no walls to protect them from pain.

In the end I guess everything is stupid. Even that way of thinking in itself is stupid. The fact that we try to look for meaning in everything is stupid. Whatever though, people are stupid, and we are people after all. There is no fulfilment without suffering, and nothing good ever comes easy. Sometimes though even if it's not easy, nothing good ever comes at all. Then again, sometimes it does. Interesting isn't it? People sure are interesting stupid or not.

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Thinking

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to not be constantly thinking. Every thought I have branches off into several more, which then branch off into even more thoughts, and sometimes it's exhausting. I can't stop it though. I can't stop thinking, well, overthinking. Often I'll be so immersed in my own mind that I won't even be able to coherently express myself and end up rambling. Kind of like what I'm doing now. I don't know.

I guess this picture sums it up pretty well.

I don't know.

At the same time though, I do know.

But the more I know, the more I don't know.

To the point where I know what I don't know and I don't know what I do know.

That makes no sense.

Paradoxical hey?

Where I've been

I've wanted to do this for a long time now, but I'd never felt comfortable nor did I even know how to go about it. I still don't know honestly, but that doesn't matter. I've recently realised I write best when I'm just in the moment typing whatever comes to my head; which by the way is really hard for me! I'll explain why later. So here it is, my story.

I want to start off by saying I have absolutely no malicious intent in writing this, and thus will not be mentioning any names. I do not wish any harm upon those whose actions have affected me the way they did so please respect my wishes and do not spread negativity.

Right. Okay. Where to begin.. I'm sick. Very sick. Not the physical kind, but sometimes I feel like the living nightmare I wake up to everyday is worse. There are days I'll be motivated to fight, then there are instances where I'll take out all the pent up hurt and anger on my own body in an attempt to end my life. I don't like to present myself this way though, so nobody really knows except my closer friends. For those of you who've played DDLC, I'm similar to Sayori in the way I act around others, my family life is sort of like Natsuki's, and my self harm and suicide attempts are as morbid and graphic as Yuri's. I'm not going to spoil the actual game for anybody who hasn't played because it's brilliant.     

Before any of you decide to suddenly become armchair psychologists and try to diagnose me, here are my official diagnoses:

My first official diagnosis was completely accidental. It was some time during my HSC assessments, I was having a pretty rough time and went to my GP to try and get an exemption from doing an exam. As I listed my 'problems', I realised I wasn't lying at all. She diagnosed me with depression and referred me to a psychologist who I saw on a weekly basis throughout the remainder of high school.

After bumping into a few people from high school these past few years, I realised nobody really knew much about me. I probably came across as snobby, lazy, the 'I'm too good for this place and have zero fucks to give about my future' type. I wasn't even at school half the time. From memory I think my final year report noted I had 63 unexplained absences.. 

Anyway I'm rambling sorry! My next diagnoses were anorexia, bulimia, and anxiety. I'll keep the rest of this short or I'll be here all day. I have to go and buy a desk later! I chose a psychologist with a PhD in some anorexia research and we also had weekly sessions for a few months. When she went on holiday during Christmas break she sort of palmed me off to my current therapist, a psychiatrist specialising in psychodynamic therapy. I was then also diagnosed with ADHD and BPD. Cuuuuuuuuue automatic judgement! Just kidding. Not really. BPD is one of the most stigmatised mental disorders because of its nature and terrible depiction in the media. 

I think that's it, for now at least. I have a potential sixth diagnosis coming my way but I'd rather not talk about that one since I've learnt some things are better left unsaid.

2017 was one of the worst years of my life. I've now got an extensive medical history, with a total of five suicide attempts and countless self harm incidents. So I guess now I should go backwards and sort of explain how I got here. Again, no ill intent so please be kind.

When I was born, my mother was 38 and my father was 53. Their history is pretty complicated and it's not really my place to share. My brother was born two years later, and we were pretty close as kids. I don't remember much of my early childhood, partly because children aren't able to form solid memories until about four to five years of age, and partly because I've repressed a lot of it. I guess it's not uncommon for children, especially in Asian families, to be abused. My abuse went just a little too far though. My brother and I both coped with our inadequate childhoods in different ways. I developed signs of BPD, and was eventually conditioned into believing I was completely worthless. I don't think that was my mother's intent, but that's the way it turned out.

In 2005 my father had an operation to remove a benign brain tumour, and I think that was when things started changing. Prior to his surgery, he worked six days a week and I barely saw him. I never really got a chance to bond with him because of his work ethic and his older age. To this day he's more of a stranger to me than a father.. I think during this time my mother was either back at university, or working as a nurse. I can't remember. My memories are still mostly repressed. She became harsher, and at one point the Department of Community Services along with the local court filed an AVO against her on behalf of my brother and me. My dad was no hero though, he let it all happen. My psychiatrist encouraged me to retrieve my file from DOCS, which I've still yet to do. I did call them to request my information, and one thing they asked me was whether or not I had ever been removed from my home. It never occurred to me that if my brother, father, and I had been more honest in our statements, I would probably have foster parents and not be where I am now. I wonder how that would've turned out.. 

After the AVO was enforced, my parents came up with other ways to 'discipline' us. Knowing we were protected by the law, my brother and I started slacking off. I was supposedly the 'golden child' so I copped most of the expectation bullshit from my mother. She'd often tell me that my brother had no future and I was the one with the beauty, brains, potential to succeed. She pushed me towards things I had no interest in. When I was young she'd put me in high heels. Children aren't supposed to wear heels?! She once even made me a girdle type thing to wear under my dresses so my stomach would appear flatter. After I did the selective schools test, she faxed my acceptance letter to Sydney Girls High without me even knowing. I never wanted to go to that school. Even as a child I knew I wouldn't enjoy it there. She wanted to live vicariously through me, and I was never able to meet her standards.

In year seven I relied mostly on my natural talent to excel in school. Year eight wasn't too bad either. My grades slowly started dropping in the more senior years. I could never study! In class I'd never concentrate. I was that one kid who masked my inability to keep up with a laid back and funny facade. My psychiatrist thinks it's pretty cruel how nobody picked up on my ADHD, with nearly all my reports from all my teachers across all faculties stating my 'potential to succeed if only I'd concentrate and focus more'. A few posts down I go into more detail about how one teacher in particular triggered the downward spiral in my education that lasted all the way until I graduated.

Now this is the part where things start to get a bit heavier, so please be advised and don't read on if you are easily triggered. 

In year ten, I wasn't feeling the best and decided to skip my French speaking test. I blame this on my perfectionism and desire to be acknowledged by my mother. My teacher phoned my mother, who lashed out at me when I got home and kicked me out of the house. Around this time I'd made a new friend online who seemed nice, and after hearing about my situation he offered me 'shelter' at his house. That night I experienced my first sexual assault. I didn't think much of it at the time, I mean I was used to people taking advantage of me because I grew up not really having a voice. 

Towards the end of year eleven, I started dating my first proper boyfriend. We were fine for about a year, until one day when he publicly humiliated me by throwing me to the ground in the busy city streets during lunch time. A lady helped me back up as he ran away. She offered to call the police but I said no. I was too concerned about him and what he might do next, so I ran after him. I remember finding him in a stairwell of a building nearby. His glasses were on the floor, I think he had thrown them because the lenses had fallen out. I picked them up, popped the lenses back in, and walked up to talk to him. He was still angry, and proceeded to smash my head to the concrete ground and strangle me. I thought I was going to die.

We continued to date for another year and a half before I was convinced by a staff member at the university I was studying at that I deserved better. Little did I know, he had ulterior motives in what seemed like genuine caring advice. Side note - I worked in the discipline I majored in due to my high marks and good relationship with my tutors so it wasn't like I was telling my life story to a random person. He was sort of a colleague at this point I guess. I broke up with my boyfriend, and not too long after, I was sort of taken advantage of yet again. I'd rather not go too much into what happened with the academic staff member in case this becomes more than it should be. I'm only mentioning this part of my life because it significantly affected my ability to complete my degree and I eventually withdrew from the course. The event also sparked the beginning of my love/hate relationship with food. I became so unhealthily skinny and malnourished I lost my ability to function and think properly. My first wakeup call was when I fainted and fell down an entire flight of stairs, landing me in hospital. Eventually I became so far gone that I was no longer able to work, thus ceasing my employment as a flight attendant. 

Anorexia turned into bulimia, bulimia turned into binge eating disorder, and the cycle started all over again. During this time, I got into yet another abusive relationship. This time it was more emotional abuse and manipulation. He did bruise me once but that doesn't count I guess. I started to hate myself more and more, and towards the end of 2016 I finally hit breaking point. What had previously been superficial cuts to my skin turned into huge gashes that still remain as keloid scars. The relationship took a heavy toll on my mental wellbeing so I broke it off for good. The self harm didn't stop though, I started searching for new forms of escapism, from drugs to impulse holidays overseas. I overdosed on a concoction of substances during a short trip to Melbourne where I was (what a surprise) sexually assaulted again. I seemed to constantly get myself into the same dangerous situations over and over again, and I've learnt from therapy that it all goes back to my childhood and my compulsion to repeat traumatic events over and over again because I guess I'm used to it.

Anyway what year are we even in now? Ah yes, 2017. The worst year of my life to date. The year I attempted suicide five times. The year I was sectioned under the mental health act and admitted to psychiatric confinement. The year a family member nearly killed me. The year I decided to unofficially cut all ties with my abusive family. The year I barely made it through until the end. To be honest I didn't give a fuck about the new year, I was sleeping while everyone else was celebrating the start of 2018 haha. I FUCKING MADE IT THOUGH. I AM STILL HERE. I'm still very, very sick, and what I've written is just the tip of the iceberg. Rest assured though, I haven't completely lost hope! I'm going to make it.

I live alone now, so things are slightly better. For those of you planning to move out completely on your own, maybe don't do it if your home situation isn't so bad. It's not as fun as it seems and bills are a nightmare! I'm grateful for being able to physically get away from a few of my problems though. On top of that, I'm going back to university. I don't have an undergraduate degree so I can't go straight into Medicine, I'm a first year student yet again, but I'm not going to be bitter about it anymore and I'm finally moving on. I got into Medical Science bitches!!!!! 2018 is going to be my year. To anyone still reading this, 2018 is going to be your year too. We're all going to make it! 

I hope everybody is well, and this time I'm going to keep my blog updated on my progress, so check back soon! ^-^

"You know you can't be a pilot with this diagnosis right?"

     "Yeah, I know"

"Well it's not like you'd be able to do it anyway with everything else wrong with you"

     "Yeah.... Maybe in another life"

"Yep. Maybe in another life"


仕方ない

The parts of me the eyes can't see

They're buried underneath

Picking off the petals

I'll let you if you're gentle

Tokyo & Hong Kong

“If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.”

Reflecting on my life thus far, I can't remember ever feeling good enough as a person. I've always sought validation from others as a means of determining my own self worth.

You know what, I'm over it.

I think now that I've acknowledged my mentality as completely flawed, it's about time I do something about it.

I'd just like to start by saying that in no way am I pitying myself, or blaming others for the way I am today. I am however aware of the fact that the way I was raised and some of the traumatic events that have occurred throughout my life have most definitely affected me in negative ways. Regardless, wallowing in self-pity or shifting the blame isn't going to do anything for me at this stage. I hope through sharing my thoughts, I can continue on my journey to keep learning and keep growing.

Now that's out of the way, let's go back in time! Not many people know this, but in high school I actually wanted to be a surgeon! For four years too! Whenever people would ask me why, I would tell them it was because I wanted to make a difference in people's lives, that I wanted to help people in whatever way I could. Honestly I never thought about how cool it would be to say 'I'm a medicine student!' or 'I'm a doctor!', I just felt happy thinking that because of me, someone, someday, could potentially live a better life because of me.

In year ten, I told my English teacher this, and what she responded with completely destroyed my self esteem and lead to me giving up on myself for the remainder of my high school life. She told me that it was good to have goals, but that I needed to make mine more realistic. It didn't stop there though. To top it all off, she then proceeded to gather information on universities and colleges that offered paramedic courses and went through different options with me, as she believed they were more within my capabilities. Paramedics are people I have an immense amount of respect for, don't get me wrong. But to be told to give up on my career goal at the time and settle for something easier because my teacher thought I wasn't good enough was devastating for me. I can't believe I allowed her rubbish and irrelevant opinion to dictate how I was going to live the rest of my life.

This same mentality is why I delayed pursuing a career in aviation until 2015. 

In first year university, I made friends with another accounting student who did almost as well as I did in the subject. Come to think of it now, I realise he most likely only befriended me after realising the accounting faculty hired me after I did well in the subject. Same thing happened in Chinese 2, once people found out I came first in the entire Chinese 1 course, everyone wanted to sit next to me during exams. One person even had the nerve to turn around mid-exam, and ask to copy my answers. Fuck you all.

Anyway, I'm going off topic. Back to the accounting guy. I remember telling him about how I aspired to someday obtain a pilot's licence, and he just scoffed at me. Prior to this, I had already brushed off the possibility of ever becoming a commercial pilot because of the completely ridiculous mentality many (it's improving though) people have regarding females in the aviation industry - that is 'being a pilot is a man's job'.

Eventually, I realised my passion for aviation wasn't just something I wanted to pursue as a hobby, but as a career. A few people supported me, but I constantly received negativity from other people like 'don't you have to be smart to be a pilot?' and 'no offence but I wouldn't trust you flying me around'. It wasn't even just about becoming a pilot, people would try to bring me down no matter what I did. Upon embarking on my journey to becoming a flight attendant, I copped a whole lot of disrespectful bullshit from people from 'oh flight attendants just serve you coffee and tea don't they, why would you want to do that for the rest of your life' to 'you deferred university to do something anybody can do?'. What used to irk me the most though, was when people (especially my mum) would say things like, 'why don't you become a doctor, a lawyer, someone successful, why are you wasting your potential?'

I may never even become a commercial pilot, but I'm not going to give up. My passion for the airline industry will never die, and I will do whatever it takes to fulfil my dreams, whether I ever end up in the flight deck or not!


I keep going off on slight tangents ahh okay SO now I want to draw attention to the title of this post, a quote I found online today.

“If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone, you have already forgotten your value.”

I've learnt quite a lot of about myself this year. Which reminds me, remember when everyone gave shit about Kylie Jenner for saying 2016 would be the year of realising things? Not gonna lie, she was pretty fucking on point with her predictions despite how stupid that interview sounded hahaha. Anyway I don't want to list all my positive traits because I'll just feel like I'm writing a cover letter to someone.. So in short, I think I've become a great person! I'm one of the most resilient, selfless, and kind-hearted people I know (if you're going to say this is narcissistic shut up ok I'm allowed to think good things about myself) and I pride myself in this. It's also however, what makes me vulnerable and an easy target to be mistreated and manipulated. I'm too hopeful for my own good.

I was stuck in the mindset that 'one day I'll be appreciated!!' and it's lead to me constantly been taken advantage of, sometimes without even realising it. My response to people mistreating me has been totally wrong, like I always thought that maybe, if I keep being kind, loving, helpful, useful, generous, sick, in hospital, even dead - THEN I'll be appreciated. No. I don't need validation from others. Through constantly trying make people happy and striving to be deemed good enough, I've allowed myself to stay silent whilst being hurt over and over again, ultimately rendering myself completely powerless.. I've realised now that what others believe are merely their own perceptions, not reality. If somebody can't respect and cherish me for who I am, that doesn't at all decrease my value as a person.

This is a huge step for me, and today I feel I achieved something very important. At the end of the day, I will still continue to strive to make others happy, as I genuinely enjoy doing so. It makes me feel good knowing I'm able to make a difference in other people's lives, whether it be a small favour, or a big gesture.

Honestly I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore. It's late and I barely write, so I apologise if I'm what I'm saying sounds like absolute bullshit. Actually no why am I always apologising - this is my blog I can write how I want! Plus, this isn't too shabby for somebody who never even wrote essays in high school.. Fuck why am I so hard on myself?!

I hope if anybody reads this, I've been able to inspire you in some way. We all have so much potential, in so many different ways. If somebody fails to see your light, that doesn't mean it's not shining. If someone can't appreciate you for who you are, that doesn't mean you're worthless. If someone mistreats you, that's merely a reflection of themselves, not you.

I still have so many issues I need to conquer, and it'll take time. But I'm really glad I mustered up the courage to make this post. It's really helped clear my mind.

I hope everyone is well, and goodnight.

(Would tell you guys to ask.fm me if you need someone to talk to but I think I've said that enough times LOL)

Some thoughts

I've been thinking all day and have a lot on my mind, but I don't know where to start.. My brain thinks too much faster than the speed at which I'm able to type, so I tend to struggle with sticking with one point when I'm writing.. I apologise in advance if what I'm about to say makes no sense!

Okay I just wrote an entire post then deleted it and put it in my drafts because I had no idea where I was going with it, so now this is here instead..... I guess I'll save it for another time. Long story short, I feel super grateful for the people I have in my life, who haven't given up on me and continue to support me on my journey of personal growth and self acceptance. You all know who you are and I love and appreciate you for being there for me, especially when I struggle to be there for myself. Anyway I hope everyone is well - feel free to hit me up on ask.fm if you need anybody to talk to! (I know I say this all the time but like even if we don't personally know each other I still want you to know that you are never alone ^-^)

Happy Saturday!

becoming a flight attendant

So as most of you already know, I'm currently employed as a flight attendant for Jetstar Australia. I've been working for almost two months now and so far I'm loving it! It does get intense sometimes and people can be really shitty (crew and passengers) but nevertheless I'm still so happy to be making at least some progress in pursuing my dream hehe

1. Applying

I actually applied in December last year, I think I was just browsing for jobs on seek or something and it caught my eye. I wrote a really long and passionate cover letter and hoped for the best.. Looking back on that cover letter I'm just like ugh cringe but wHATEVER THEY LIKED IT! A few days later they got back to me requesting that I complete an online exam on geography, first aid, maths, customer service etc.

Aaaaaand I didn't hear back for another six months..

2. Phone interview

Finally in May this year they called me out of nowhere and asked if I was still interested in the job. I said yes and they were like 'is it okay to do a phone interview right now?'. I was soooo unprepared obviously since they hadn't been in touch with me for six months and I forgot I even applied for the job.. After the phone interview I was pretty sure I fucked it up so I didn't think much of it

Until they emailed me yay!!

3. Assessment day

I don't think I even slept the night before... I was so nervous about what was ahead of me - the group interview, one on one, roleplay, everything!! I got there and immediately wanted to go back home because everyone looked so intimidating omg I felt so young and out of place. Now that I look back, I don't know why I had such little confidence in my abilities tbh I think I compared myself to the other applicants too much. The day started with an introduction on the company followed by a short one on one interview. And then we had a group interview which involved some roleplay, selling, group work etc. - I was dreading this part so much but I actually did alright! After that we were all sent outside to have lunch and they told us 'if you don't receive a call from us by 12:45 it means you won't be proceeding to the next stage' fUCK this was literally the longest half an hour of my life. I couldn't even do anything during this time so I just sat in the car and stress ate my lunch. It was like 12:42 and by this time I was already heaps depressed snapping Gina all these sad pictures with captions like 'who was I kidding why would they hire me' HAHA. They ended up calling me with 2 minutes to spare and I was so happy I wish I had the snaps I sent Gina after the call they're so funny omg. I went back to the assessment centre, did my second one on one interview and then went home and waited for a response.

About a week later I got an email inviting me to the final stage, ground school!

4. Ground school

Ground school was the most intense four weeks of my life. Most people have this misconception that flight attendants don't know anything except how to serve food and drinks and clean up after people. While I do have some damn good selling and cleaning skills, I'm also the person who's going to save your ass in an emergency. Nobody really thinks about what kind of training we have to go through to ensure everybody is going to get out of that aircraft safely. Some days we'd be on the aircraft until two in the morning yelling out evacuation commands over and over again. At one point in the ground school we were all sent to Melbourne where we even had to act out a ditching evacuation in the water, rafts, fake rain, and everything!

I was given three manuals, all hundreds of pages long, all about the procedures we have to follow in both normal and non-normal situations. To make it even more intense, we'd have an exam related to some kind of safety or emergency procedure almost everyday and the pass marks were always either 80 or 100%. We all basically had to give up our lives for four weeks and devote all our spare time to studying our manuals and memorising our drills. Tbh I think I put in the least effort out of everyone and I eventually became known as the one who went out all the time and still somehow managed to not fail anything.. I think I opened my manual maybe idk once in the whole four weeks and still managed a high 90s average in the end (senk d lord 4 d ability 2 learn quickly)

Some didn't make it until the end which was pretty sad, apparently we started with 26 people and only 17 of us graduated. At the very beginning we were told that there's always about two people who don't make it through and straight away I thought I would be one of them since I was one of the quieter people in the group.. LOL I WAS SO HARD ON MYSELF ZZZzz

5. Line training

In this last part of our training we were sent out on actual flights to do what's called a 'line check' where the cabin manager would basically watch you do what you've learnt and then decide your fate. At this point there were still many opportunities to fail so it was pretty scary. After a few training shifts, I was finally checked to line and was ready to be sent out on my own dun dun dunnnnnn

6. First shift

Since I'm the luckiest person in the world, of course I get one of the strictest cabin managers in existence for my first shift. It was so bad he even made me cry LOL..... it's okay I've learnt to be stronger since then no1 fuks wit me now

7. Now

I think everything is going really well so far. Most passengers think I've been doing my job for years which I guess is a good sign! I love how everyday is different and how I'm constantly learning new things and developing more as a person. Even though some people can be really shitty, most of the people I meet day to day are heaps cool. Deferring uni and starting this job while I wait for an opportunity to get into flying was definitely the right decision ~no ragrets~

Okay w o w this post is getting really long. Tldr; the entire process in becoming a flight attendant was hard but well worth it LOL I hope you guys were able to gain some sort of insight on my experience and found this post somewhat interesting!

best meal of my life

I'm literally about to explode from being so full (my fault for eating so much cake after dinner) but before I fall into the deepest of food comas I need to blog about the amazing experience I had at Sepia restaurant earlier tonight.

Amuse bouche - this had sardines in it, normally I wouldn't eat sardines ok wait actually prior to this I had never eaten a sardine in my life because they look really unappetising. The actual sardine component of the dish was reaaaally crunchy and the whole time I just pretended the crunch wasn't coming those tiny little fish with their tiny little eyes omg (I can not stand small seafood, I have the same problem with fish eggs and dried shrimp idk why)

First course - I'm not even going to bother explaining any of these dishes because it'll take way too long and I've already forgotten most of it, but this first one was a spanner crab dish and I loved it. It was sweet and savoury and acidic and refreshing all at the same time! Great way to start a great meal.

Second course - also amazing even though it had a runny egg in it! I find yolks really gross especially when they're runny so I was kind of bummed when I lifted the fish and saw all this yellow ooze dripping onto my fried potato.. Since I already bursted it by the time I discovered it I just put it in my mouth and I actually liked it a lot .. 

By this point my tastebuds were in shock like how can food be so good what even

Next we were given our bread and butter. EVEN THEIR BUTTER WAS AMAZING HOW DO YOU EVEN MAKE BUTTER LOOK LIKE THIS

I swear, put 'Japanese' in front of anything and it's almost always better hahaha this was Japanese milk bread and wow who knew something as simple as bread could be soooo good

Third course - Abalone! It doesn't look like much, but this dish was basically a cupful of orgasms in my mouth ugh

Fourth course - Seared scampi sushi. I didn't think things could get better than the first three courses but I was wrong... Very wrong. This was one of the highlights of the whole night. It looks like a simple and humble little gunkan sushi but don't be fooled holy shit. The flavour and texture combinations in this dish were on a whole new level I'd never experienced with sushi before. Absolutely amazing.

Finding it hard to comprehend what I just ate

Fifth course - Shiitake mushroom nigiri. This one was also very good but not on the same level as the one we'd just had. Nevertheless I still very much enjoyed it!

Sixth course - Roasted duck. I loooove duck, it's one of my favourite meats! This did not disappoint at all, the duck was cooked perfectly and went perfectly with the sauces on the side.

7th and last savoury course - David Blackmore wagyu beef. A great way to end the savoury component of the meal. Again, everything worked so well together and even though I'm not a fan of mustard at all, I found myself using it all up because it was that good paired with the beef.

Pre dessert - Berries with salted white chocolate and frozen sherbet?! Normally when I think of sherbet I just remember those little sickeningly sweet packets from a long time ago that came with the plastic spoon LOL. This was nothing like that (thank god), a very light refreshing dessert to prepare us for what was coming next heheheh

Dessert - this dish was pretty much what made me want to come to Sepia in the first place. I'd seen it a million times in photos finally today was the day I got to try it!!! I was not left disappointed at all w o w it had soooooo many elements in it and they all just worked together in such beautiful harmony (I sound like I'm on drugs sorrry). I mean what the fuck it even had liquorice in it, I hate liquorice but I still thought it was great

I only had a spoonful of this dessert so I can't really say much, but apparently it was also really good!

'Japanese stones' - this is a not-so-secret secret item which is only available upon request. Our waiter was kind enough to ask the kitchen to make it for us and I'm so glad they did because it was deeeeelicious. They look like ordinary stones but the outside is actually made of chocolate and each one was filled with a different flavour mmm

Overall, tonight was a faultless dining experience I'll never forget!!!! Feeling very blessed ahhhhh time to fall into my food coma ^-^

new hair + updates

It's kind of an ash blonde/brown/grey colour and even though my hair is probably never going to recover from all the bleach, I love it!! I was feeling pretty horrible that day (what's new lol) so I did what any rational person would do and spent $500 on my hair to make myself feel better ..... I guess it was worth it though, very pleased with the results!

Some more updates:

• Work is going well - I've been working for about 6 weeks now and I'm really enjoying it.  It is an intense job though and can get quite overwhelming at times but regardless I'm still very grateful I'm already in the aviation industry, so I try to give it my all everyday. I got asked a while ago to make a more detailed post about the whole process and everything, does anybody still want that posted?
• As for myself personally, things aren't going so well tbh - I'm trying to sort everything out though so hopefully things will get better over time
• Omg I fainted and fell backwards down the stairs the other day holy shit hahaha the ambulance had to come to my house and take me to the hospital.. I'm ok now though, I don't even remember any of it and my body almost fully healed! The next day I was already back at work and I even went clubbing #soldieron

• I'm literally just going to look through my photos now to see what's been happening since the last time I posted because I can't even remember anymore
• A couple of weeks ago my friend invited me to go and watch Matilda the musical - highly recommend seeing it if it's still out because it was gr9

• Ok now looking at my photos is making me realise I've kind of lost the plot with how much I've been going out to eat like wot is even going on anymore I mean these photos are all from the past week or two and I don't think this is even 10% of it

I used to be so on top of my diet what happened LOL at this rate I'll be rolling around in no time.. No ragrets though it was all delishus (maybe a little bit of ragrets)

• Speaking of being a fat shit, my gym membership unfroze this week so I have to get back into that nooooooo
• Nothing else has really been happening in my life, all I do is work and eat basically
• Holiday season is coming up so hopefully I'll get up to something interesting soon, I really need a break from everything!!
• Japan would be nice

Bennelong restaurant

The owner of Quay, Peter Gilmore, just opened his second restaurant in Sydney and I recently had the pleasure of eating lunch there! Even just writing about it now is making me wish I could go back in time and eat everything all over again ESPECIALLY DESSERT OMfg because it was such a good experience mmmmm

1st course - Lady Elliot Island bug 

Ok tbh I may or may not have ordered this so I could post a photo of it on instagram because look how photogenic it is!! (it tasted just as nice as it looked as well)

1st course - Seared scallops 

2nd course - Roasted holombrae duck

2nd course - Wagyu rump cap 

3rd course - Cherry jam lamington

Ok can we please take a moment and appreciate the fucking work of art that is this dessert?! I would seriously go back and just have three of these as my three course meal. I can't even explain in words how good it was like thank you very much Peter Gilmore 11/10 would eat again holy shit

3rd course - Chocolate cake from across the water

I can't stop thinking about that lamington now omg dskfjdkjfhsj

defqon 2015

I went to my first defqon 1 music festival last week! Despite the horrible weather it was actually so much fun and I can't wait to go again next year ^-^

First stop was Paper Plane Cafe in Parramatta. Such a cute little cafe with delicious food and pretty generous servings for their prices. I got the french toast which was sooo filling and not too sweet which was good!

Omg was taking snaps on the train and caught the guy behind me yawning HAHAHA

I got carried on someone's shoulders for the first time HAHA IT WAS SO COOL I COULD SEE EVERYTHING 

The second photo's supposed to be all of us showing our tattoos because two of my friends got new ones since I last saw them but instead it just looks like me being a loser punching the guy next to me in the face pls

You guys have to try sokyo's ramen pop up at the star it is amazing!!! I went there the next day and was not disappointed holy shit like usually I can't finish a whole bowl of ramen but this was an exception LOL

We had to stop by n2 as well and try the bounty flavour mmmm obssessed with coconut

Oh my god ok after n2 we found these phone cases and what the actual fuck HAHAHA I was so tempted to buy one for my new phone but I held back.. Having second thoughts now though yolo next time I get n2 I know what else I'm getting